Since I was a kid on the playground I’ve
been dishing out my practical advice. I have clients who want to know how to
handle themselves in the board room and mothers who want to know how to handle others in the family taxi. I’m happy to disguise the names to protect the guilty :-) or
simply mark it “private” and it will be. I’ll get back to you within a week
either way …so, ASK away! Click here to submit your question.
Dear Colette,
Last year my company hired someone to deliver a mentoring workshop, and at the end we were all assigned a mentor. I got stuck with this guy who barely communicates, isn't interested in helping me, and we haven't even gotten together in months. Every time I pass him in the hall, I feel weird because we're not doing anything the program taught us. Yet, no one in my company is formally checking up on these relationships either. I'd prefer not to work with him, but don't know what to do.
My Mentor's a Mess
Dear My Mentor’s a Mess,
Mentoring relationships are most successful when they're voluntary, and it doesn't sound like your company took that into consideration when assigning mentors with protégés. Even if expectations were clearly defined in the beginning, it sounds as if both of you have dropped the ball.
As a protégé you are just as responsible for making this relationship work, so I encourage you to set up a meeting with your mentor to discuss the situation. Be clear, direct and say, "Thank you for meeting with me, as I'd like to discuss our roles as mentor/protégé. Given that we haven't been consistent on meeting or discussing accomplishments, I'm curious to know if you think this is something we should re-commit to, adjust or simply move on?”
If your mentor throws it back in your lap and asks what you'd like to do, say, “I appreciate what you've been able to provide up to now, and I don’t want to take more of your time on this. I’d like to stay in touch, however, and let you know how things go.” That way you've graciously left the door open for future conversations without a structured relationship. Now you don't have to dodge him when he's coming down the hallway! Be on the lookout for a replacement -- you'll be glad you did.
Dear Colette,
I just found out I'm pregnant with my first child and couldn't be happier. However, I know my boss is going to react poorly to my taking maternity leave, and I'm wondering what to say when I tell him. I plan to return to work full-time after my leave is up, but I know my absence during that time will create some challenges. What should I say?
Pregnant in Pittsburgh
Dear Pregnant in Pittsburgh,
First off, are you sure that your boss is going to have a negative reaction or is this just the script you've written in your mind? I would take the time to set up a short meeting and say, "Thanks for taking the time to meet with me. Since my job is extremely important to me, I wanted you to be the first in the office to know I'm pregnant, and I'd like to talk with you about taking maternity leave." Wait for his or her reaction, and then continue. "Although it's over 7 months away, I'd like to discuss how I can best assist the company remain productive while I'm out on leave."
Depending on your position in the company, you can offer to train a temporary replacement, or talk about how the work will get divided amongst other team members. By taking a proactive approach, your boss will be more likely to embrace the circumstances. Congratulations on your exciting news!
Dear Colette,
I recently heard a co-worker talking about his daughter's cookie sale. I joined the conversation and asked about details, and he told me where the sign-up sheet was. About 5 minutes later, my co-worker approached me at my cube with the sign up sheet and brochure. I was so caught off-guard that I forgot to remember to "speak my truth" and tell him that I wouldn't be ordering any cookies this time. So now I have purchased a $14 tub of cookie dough, when I really wish I hadn't. How can I remember to take a breath and speak my truth when I'm caught off-guard like this?
One Tub of Cookies
Dear One Tub of Cookies,
Upon reflection, I'm sure that you realized your interest in the cookie details prompted your co-worker to assume that you wanted to purchase cookies too. This is why he hunted you down. In those moments when we're put on the spot, the best thing we can do is simply "Stop" and take a deep breath. How do you remember to do this? For me, I anchor feeling uncomfortable or anxious in those moments with the visual of a big stop sign. This reminds me to stop talking and start breathing.
All of us feel pressure to reply immediately, but we really don't have to. Sometimes it pays to use a line such as, "Give me a minute to gather my thoughts, and I'll follow-up with you." It's also okay to simply say what you felt. "Oh, you probably thought since I asked about the cookies that I wanted to buy some. I was just curious, and perhaps next year." Instead of beating yourself up, when the cookie dough comes in, simply give it to a neighbor or co-worker with children as a gift. You'll make someone else very happy which will bring you joy.
Dear Colette,
I have a co-worker who in the past I've had some issues with, and her cubicle backs directly up to mine. The problem is, there is a constant stream of people visiting all day long. The chatter is very distracting. I'm not sure how to get it to stop or have her cube moved. Or should I have my cube moved? What should I do?
Cubicle Conflict
Dear Cubicle Conflict,
It's a challenge to work in such close proximity with individuals that forget there are others trying to get their work done nearby. If you could move your cubicle, that might solve the issue, but it doesn't give this co-worker the chance to change, nor does it show higher-ups that you can be proactive and assertive before enlisting their support.
I would choose to be assertive by following the DEAL approach that I teach. D stands for describe the situation using facts, E - express your feelings, A - ask for what you want, L-Look for agreement or understanding. For example, "When people drop by your cubicle throughout the day, I can hear most of your conversations. This concerns me because I find it difficult to concentrate on my work. I need you to keep your voices down or perhaps go somewhere else to talk. Do you think we could work this out?" Making this DEAL allows your co-worker to know how you feel and make choices accordingly. If it continues, now you can ask to be moved and still have demonstrated to your supervisor your willingness to have a crucial conversation.
Dear Colette,
I recently graduated from college and started working in a large office. One of my more seasoned co-workers approached me recently and said, “If you want to advance in this company, you need to be more aware of your language.” This comment seemed to come out of nowhere, and up to this point she had been a great resource for me to learn new tasks. I asked her what she meant by that statement, and she simply said, “You sound like you’re in high school. No one is going to take you seriously unless you become more aware of your language.” I can’t help the fact that I have a soft voice, and now I feel awkward around her. What should I do?
Soft–spoken in Seattle
Dear Soft–spoken in Seattle,
First off, are you sure that she was referring to the softness of your voice? When I read your letter my mind immediately jumped to the language I often hear my two teenage daughters use. “I’m like, ya know…” which you KNOW drives me nutty because it isn’t proper, or easy to understand.
Please go back and get clarification from her feedback. Ask her, “When you say I sound like I’m in high school, what specifically are you referring to? Is it the softness of my voice or is it the words I choose to use?” Only when you know exactly where she is coming from can you evaluate her input accurately.
This woman, who has been a great resource for you to date, may be sharing this input with you in order to help you grow because she sees great potential.
If it is your language that she is referring to, make it a point to start becoming aware of any speech crutches (um, ah, like, etc.) and begin to change your behaviors. You can put a rubber band on your wrist to snap every time you use a filler word, or join your local Toastmasters www.Toastmasters.org to get weekly practice in your area. For all I know she is referring to language she deems inappropriate or swearing. It’s always best to err on the side of not offending anyone by choosing different ways to express yourself.
If it’s your voice that makes you sound young, you can do exercises to lower your pitch. There are numerous books at your library and plenty of information to be found on the web to help. You want to be taken seriously at work, and your voice is often the only thing customers or clients hear while working with you.
Remember, instead of feeling awkward about this feedback, take it for what it’s worth – a gift.
Dear Colette,
A co-worker and I are both responsible for a project in our office. Recently, I overheard him discussing the progress with our supervisor. The way he was stating the information, it sounded like he did the majority of the work which hasn’t been the case. We have both been working hard on this project, and I’m concerned that these sidebar conversations are creating a different picture. What should I have done?
Undermined in Utah
Dear Undermined in Utah,
Anytime you overhear a project that you’re directly involved in being discussed, and assuming it’s a casual conversation and not a closed-door meeting, I would take the approach that you belong and pop in. “Hi. Couldn’t help but hear that you were discussing the X Project. Thought I’d join in so we can all be on the same page.” Your presence will put the brakes on your co-worker’s spin of who is doing what.
At this point, I would have a conversation with my co-worker that sounds something like this: “Bob, I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation you were having with Mr. Boss the other day. If I heard you correctly, you said (repeat what you heard). I’m concerned because this leaves Mr. X with the impression that I played a smaller role in this project than I did.” Chances are he’s going to say, “No, I didn’t mean that or that’s not what I said.” Just listen. When he’s finished, close the conversation by saying, “I would appreciate if you’re discussing the project at any length in the future to include me. It’s important that we both get the credit for our participation.” Hopefully, this will nip it in the bud.
Dear Colette,
I have a friend of 3 years, whom I would do anything for. Such as, cancel my plans with my fiancé to babysit her daughter, be there for her for all her problems, offer my help and advice, celebrate with her on special occasions. Take her out for her birthday, help her with bills...you name it. I consider her my best friend. I was under the assumption that if I needed help, she would be there for me too.
My fiancé recently threw me a surprise party for my birthday. She was invited and never showed up. She later told me that she was broke and did not want to spend the gas and pay the toll to come to my party. She also told me she was at her boyfriend's house and had plans with him. The next weekend, she paid for her and her boyfriend to go to a fancy resort in a nearby town. They stayed at the best room, which for a weekend, runs over $1,000. This guy already has a child from another relationship that he left to be with my friend. I am really hurt, and I don't know if I should continue to be her friend. I tried to confront her about it in a nice way, was open about how much it hurt me, and she blew me off saying that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Please help.
Confused in NY
Dear Confused in NY ,
This gal takes from you and gives only to her boyfriend. My serious advice is to end the relationship as painful as that might be. Remember (as Dr. Phil even says) you teach people how to treat you. By remaining her friend you are telling her it's okay for her to diss you on your birthday, make up excuses instead of being honest and put a guy (who hasn't chosen to stand by his women in the past -- easiest way to tell what someone is going to do is look at what they've done) before her dearest friend.
As much as you don't want to let go, you must take responsibility for the people you put in your life. It's important that you stop bailing her out and start moving toward individuals that will share in your generousity, laughter and love. Sure, she has a kid and you might not want to lose touch with her -- but you might have to. I would simply tell her, "I've decided it's best if we take a break in our friendship. I'm looking for individuals in my life that have simliar values." Now, when this guy dumps her (and he will) she'll probably come running back and want you to start delivering all your attention back to her. I'm uncertain if that is a good thing for you, but I will say that if you do let her back in your life, keep watch. The first time she does something that doesn't align with you being friends, let go. The person you described is not a good friend. They are a confused little girl who is looking for someone to make her feel better even if it costs her a good friend. She needs to grow up and she can't do that as long as people like you allow this behavior.
I know these are strong words, but you are a strong woman who needs to use your time and love wisely.
Dear Colette,
My Mother has been seriously ill off and on over the past few years. Although she currently lives in her home state, she was living with me during some of the most difficult times when we weren't sure if she was going to live. Now that she is back in her home (her preference), I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough. I have a demanding job that I enjoy, but it leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. When I finally get home and want to have a moment to myself, all I can think of is that I should be having long conversations with my Mother to break up her day. Although I connect with her at least a few times a week and visit often, I still feel guilty. What should I do?
Dedicated Daughter
Dear Dedicated Daughter,
My heart goes out to you and all you've been through over the past few years. It's never easy when people we love have pain and sickness, and the fact that you came so close to losing your Mother has to cut deep. Your Mother is fortunate to have a daughter who places such a high value on this relationship.
Having said that, it's also okay to place value on the relationship you have with yourself. When was the last time you nurtured yourself in the same way that you cared for your Mother? Although it's great she felt well enough to return to her home, I'm sure it's challenging to feel like you're doing enough when earlier you were caring for her on a daily basis. I believe that guilt is just anger turned inward because you can't do what you really want. You want to come home after an exhausting day, put up your feet and relax. Guilt stops you from enjoying that time that your body, mind and soul need. In order to change your thoughts you need to change what you say to yourself. Everytime that voice comes up that makes you feel guilty, talk back to it by saying, "I'm a loving, caring individual who also deserves love and care." Say it until you believe it.
Other ideas: Create a schedule for your calls. If you've decided to call your Mother on certain days, you can rest easy on your days off. If she's computer savvy, you could e-mail her in leiu of one of those calls. Consider signing up for one of the daily upbeat e-mail messages that you could quickly read, think of a situation from either of your pasts to comment on and forward it to her. Another idea is to send her a jar of memories that you've written out on little slips of papers. For example, "Grand Canyon - Green Country Squire Station Wagon with wood on the sides -- slipping on the rocks!" Choose a day of the week that she gets to pull a memory out of the jar which gives you something to talk about on your next call. Find a TV show that you both love and watch it together long distance. Gossip through the commercials about the various characters. Choose a book you both would enjoy and spend a phone call discussing your thoughts. Hope some of these ideas bring you laughter together and peace of mind that you're doing enough. You are.
Dear Colette,
Every time I go to lunch with a co-worker she goes on and on about how she needs to lose weight and then she orders a juicy burger and fries or another high-caloric meal. I could care less what she eats or what she weighs but she is taking the fun out of going out to lunch. What can I say to make her stop?
Tired of Listening
Dear Tired of Listening,
Although you didn't say whether or not this gal is even overweight, I believe her pre-meal dialogue is simply to relieve her own guilt. She knows she would be healthier if she made different choices, but for whatever reason doesn't want to. Flapping her jaw about it makes her feel as if she's doing something about it. I can appreciate that you want to enjoy your lunch without all the conversation about bodies, weight and food, so just say so. The next time she starts to talk about her weight simply say, "I would prefer that we spend what little time we have catching up and supporting each other rather than waste a minute of it putting ourselves down. Let's choose not to talk about our bodies." If you truly care about this lady and are sincere, I think it will be easy for her to swallow.
Dear Colette,
I'm already dreading the next 20 years, and my son is only 11 months old! My husband and I have always taken turns traveling out of state to see my folks or his parents over the holidays. Now that we have the baby, my mother-in-law has already made noises about how excited she'll be next year, since this year it's my folk's turn. I'm feeling resentful as I begin to pack that I'll never be able to experience the Christmas morning magic in my own home. Am I selfish to feel this way?
Packing with Attitude
Dear Packing with Attitude,
Anyone who has ever been on a flight during late December can relate to your feelings. No, I don't think you're being selfish at all given my own history. When my second daughter was born, I announced to the grandparents that I wasn't going anywhere over the holidays until the girls no longer believed in Santa Claus and could carry their own gifts! However, they were welcome to come to our home, and we would look forward to their arrival. I'm sure they were disappointed and frustrated in the beginning. Yet, we've gone on to celebrate many holidays together in our home, and the memories are magnificent. It's okay to ask for what you want - it's the only way you're ever going to get it. Although my girls are old enough now to meet the holiday travel criteria, luckily no one has asked!
Dear Colette,
Without being prompted, a colleague hand delivered my resume to an individual with a company that I would love to work for. He says it looks good, but I won't know for a few weeks. Just yesterday my boss, who I truly respect, asked me to take on an assignment that will last over a year. He stressed how important the commitment is because the last person left halfway through. I'm thrilled to get this assignment, but I would still choose to move to the other company if I get the chance. My boss wants an answer immediately. What should I do?
Dear Confused,
You know what you want which is half the battle. You want to work for the other company if you get the chance. You also want the assignment your boss presented if you remain. Although I always encourage individuals to speak their truth, in a work environment you need to be more cautious. I would encourage you to make a decision based on the information you have at hand which means accepting the assignment your boss offered. Should you receive an offer from the other company, you can let your supervisor know that you weren't looking for the position, but rather it came to you and you need to take advantage of the opportunity. Best of success to you!
Dear Colette,
My sister and brother-in-law have two beautiful children that I adore spending time with. However, my sister and her husband don’t always work and can’t manage their money. In the past they have used seeing the children as a weapon to get more money out of my family. My parents decided not to play that game anymore, and so we haven’t seen the kids for almost two years. I happened to run into my sister last week and she invited us over, so we went and had a wonderful time with the kids (who are about 10 and 13 years old now). I wanted to explain to the kids why I haven’t been around, (I have no idea what my sister is telling them) but was unsure what to say. Any ideas? I know this won’t last long – I’m sure they’re just trying to work their way back in for some money, but I’ll take any time I can get with those children.
Confused Aunt
Dear Confused Aunt,
Wow, I feel for your family and those children. First of all, I hope that your sister and brother-in-law have had a change of heart and are willing to make positive changes in their lives. Then again, give this couple’s history, I understand your doubt and apprehension. You’re in a tough spot because you don’t want to badmouth the children’s parents, and yet you want to explain your absence. Maybe you could simply say, “I was so happy your Mom invited me to come over because I missed not seeing you. I love spending time with you both, and I hope she has me over again soon.” That way, you’re letting them know how you feel while still respecting their feelings toward their parents. They’re lucky to have you in their lives.
Dear Colette,
I put myself on a budget a few months back because I was spending more than I make. Although I set aside some money for holiday shopping, I didn't anticipate all the groups that have asked me to donate to their cause over the past few weeks. I feel guilty saying no since I feel blessed since I have a roof over my head and a steady job. What should I do?
Feeling like Scrooge
Dear Feeling like Scrooge,
First of all, I applaud you for getting on a budget -- especially if you spend more than you make. Although you mention it is because you feel so blessed that you want to contribute to others, I wonder if it isn't because you don't feel like you're enough without reaching in your wallet. As financial guru Suzie Orman says, "When we feel less, we spend more." Recognize that when you're in debt you are your own charitable organization!
Having said that, I encourage you to stop feeling guilty this holiday season when everywhere you turn someone is asking for a handout. Even the "free" return address labels from religious groups are considered marketing -- and very effective for playing on your guilt. One idea might be to choose a specific organization that resonates with you and make a small contribution. Then, throughout the year I want you to feel comfortable saying, "I choose one organization each year to become involved with and this year I chose the X organization." Then smile warmly and walk away knowing you are helping to make the world a better place.
Another idea that doesn't involve any money is to simply give of your time. There are an overwhelming number of causes that could benefit from even one day of giving. Think of the number of elders who would love to have someone drop by and ask them about their life or share a page from yours.
Say no to spending more than you can afford which buys you peace of mind this season and all year long.
Dear Colette,
How do you deal with the person who stops by your office asking if you've "got a minute" when it's never turns out to be a minute? I understand that they need to come to me for information, but how can I manage the time more effectively?
No Time to Spare
Dear No Time to Spare,
No matter how good we are at blocking out our time in order to focus, there will always be interruptions. We can either let them frustrate us or we can learn to be honest and assertive. The next time someone says, "Gotta minute?" I encourage you to respond, "Actually, I have just one. Will that be enough or can I call you back at 3:00 (or whatever time you've designated). Another option is "At the moment I'm working on this project. However, let's look at our calendars and set up a time to connect." Remember, no one will respect your time unless you do!
Dear Colette,
How can you tell when a guy really loves you or if he is just playing around? I want to get married, but my boyfriend of three years keeps telling me he's not ready.
Tired of Waiting
Dear Tired of Waiting,
Check out the latest book entitled, "He's Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Both authors were also writers on the show, Sex in the City, and the advice is solid for women who want to know. In a nutshell, you wouldn't be waiting if he was really that into you. Create clear boundaries and go after what you want.
Dear Colette,
I'm house sitting with my husband this summer while ours is being remodeled. Most of the time this set-up is totally win-win because it helps us save on rent. However, most of these people have pets, and truthfully, I'm not a pet lover. I'm happy to provide for these animals, but the next house we're going to the woman wants her dog to sleep in her bed with us while she's away. Should I simply tell her that my husband jerks while he sleeps and might harm the dog?
Perplexed Pet Sitter
Dear Perplexed,
Have you been ever been harmed by your sleeping husband? My common sense is telling me that you don't want the dog in bed with you and are looking for a way out of the situation. To use your husband as the patsy is a bit manipulative when it is simply easier to speak your truth. When the woman brings up the sleeping arrangements, simply say, "Since I don't have any pets myself that would make me uncomfortable. However, the dog would be welcome to sleep alongside the bed or do you have another solution?" When you're an animal lover you often don't realize that not everybody else is. She may come up with another option and you won't be sharing the bed with anyone but your "jerky" husband. Sweet dreams.
Dear Colette,
About two months ago, my husband's sister, who lives in another state, sent out a request for clothes that she was going to drive down to a shelter. As I donate my old clothes to a local organization, I didn't send anything. However, for my nephew's birthday I went on-line and purchased some clothes for him and three new shirts for me. Somehow the shipping got combined and my nephew received both orders (I only learned this after calling the store). I assume, since my sister-in-law said nothing, that she thinks the shirts are for the shelter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that those new shirts were really for me, so I said nothing. My husband says I just should have told her what happened. What do you think?
Shirtless Sister-in-Law
Dear Shirtless,
I couldn't help but think of the story line in the Emperor's New Clothes. You know, the Emperor thinks he is sporting some new duds, but really he is naked and no one wants to tell him the truth. Your lack of directness has also left you exposed and vulnerable.
First of all, if you chose to be direct when you received the original request for clothes from your sister-in-law, things might have turned out differently. Forgive me for being practical, but I don't see the value of paying shipping to send old clothes to another part of the country when you can find plenty of wonderful homes for them on your own turf. I would have simply contacted my sister-in-law from the beginning and said, "How wonderful that you are making such an effort to help others. Since I also send our clothes to a local charity, I have nothing to ship your direction."
Having said that, when you found out that the shirts got shipped to the wrong location, I would have immediately picked up the phone and said, "I just got off the phone with Store X. They told me that instead of shipping the shirts I ordered to me, they were accidentally sent to you. Did you receive them?" (answer: Yes). "Oh, I'm so glad you have them and they're not missing in action. Let me send you a check to cover forwarding them to me." See how easy that is? Clear, direct and you have your shirts. Let go of the guilt (anger turned inward because you can't do what you really want) of not sending clothes to her in the first place. If we always were doing what other people asked of us, we'd never have time or energy to do what we desire. Now, go get those shirts!
Dear Colette,
My husband would love for me to just take off and join him on some of his business trips. Although I would love to go (usually at luxury properties), leaving the children behind is challenging. They are at an age where they still need full-time care, yet they also have many activities outside of the house that require driving. I haven't found the ideal person to watch them overnight that can also act as a chauffer. Plus, with my work schedule it's nice to just relax on the weekends. I hate to say it, but it's easier not to go. How can I make him get it?
Too Tired for a Vacation
Dear Too Tired,
First off let me empathize with your busy schedule - raising children and having a career are two full-time jobs. I can also appreciate the time and energy that is required to find good help that leaves you feeling secure enough to get away. Having said that, I'm going to encourage you to make the effort to go away with your husband at least once over the next month. Why? If you're like most couples with children, it is extremely difficult to experience emotional intimacy and have a genuine conversation without getting interrupted or finding yourselves talking about family business. Sure, it's easier not to find a sitter, coordinate schedules or pack, but is it going to grow your marriage? Without a healthy marriage, those children aren't going to be getting the best of either of you. Stop worrying about finding the "ideal" person to watch the children and find someone you can trust. If they miss an activity or two while you're gone, so what?! They'll survive. If anything, they will appreciate you more when you return. You might even enjoy reading a book on the plane, a good long soak in the bathtub or sleeping in and ordering your coffee from room service. Enjoy your quiet while you're husband is off at a business meeting and connect when he returns. You might just be motivated to make this a quarterly event. Happy packing.
Dear Colette,
I have a dear friend who has an extremely important position within her company. Therefore, I understand that she doesn't have as much time to get together and socialize like before. On the few occasions we have managed to get together for lunch, she spent the better part of our time taking calls which upset me. I didn't say anything because I know she is extremely dedicated to her job. Do you think her actions are appropriate?
Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated Friend,
I feel your pain. Your adult mind is justifying her behavior because she has such an important job, but your child-like mind is saying, "Hey, pay attention to me!" We need to bridge the two with some caring communication. I suggest that you share your feelings with your friend. For example, "I want you to know how much I look forward to us spending time together - especially given your busy work schedule. Given the short amount of time we get to be together, would you be willing to let your calls go to voice mail so we can truly connect? If we need to meet at a different time of day or for less time to make that happen, I understand." Or try a simple statement like, "Let's put our cell phones on mute so we can really connect through this lunch." You can always be humorous, too (more my style) and just say, "Hey, Ms. Important. Call me high-maintenance, but when we get together I want all of you, so unless it's a national crisis, put that sucker on vibrate and tell me what's happening in your life!" Either way, be brave and bold or remain on hold.
Dear Colette,
As a Mother how do you deal with all of the projects and art work that children make in school? I can't even see the front of our refrigerator anymore, yet I have difficulty parting with any of my children's masterpieces. Any suggestions?
Curator Mama
Dear Curator Mama,
Trust me, I'm sure Picasso's Mother tossed a ton of his artwork along the way! When my girls were in preschool they too brought home volumes of oversized paper with random paint splotches. After making the appropriate, encouraging comments like, "Ooh, you certainly used a lot of green in this picture" or "Tell me more about this," the artwork would get placed in our large wicker basket that collects a week's worth of newspapers, school bulletins, etc. On Sunday, it's in the garbage. Each daughter could pick one picture to have displayed on the refrigerator. When they brought home a newer love, the old art got regulated to the basket. On the rare occasion when they couldn't decide which one to keep, I would put one on top of the refrigerator "for safe keeping" which eventually found its way to the basket. If anything unusual or spectacular came home, I would let them put it in their special plastic box. At the end of the school year, they go through their box and get to keep their three favorite items. As they have gotten older, they have a bulletin board in their playroom and tack up their treasured pieces. Without any prompting from me, they remove the older work and replace it with the new when inspired. If none of these ideas thrill you, take a digital print of the artwork and create a CD for each year. Easier to keep, and your memories will be colorful.
Dear Colette,
I work two days a week in an orthodontist's office and am home the remaining three days with my children who are 1 and 2 ½ years old. When my husband comes home from work, he complains if I want to go out for awhile to get a break from the kids. I'm not talking about going out to party, just to go for a walk, go to a bookstore or meet a girlfriend for a cup of coffee. He says that I get a break from the kids when I'm at work. Part of me feels guilty for wanting to get away and he works all day too. What should I do?
Guilty Mother
Dear Guilty Mother,
I read once that being a part-time worker can often be more challenging than being a full-time worker (now listen up readers before jumping down my throat). You see, when you work part-time people have a tendency to assume that you have plenty of time. The part time worker often feels compelled to give more on the job to prove that her reduced hours don't reflect a reduced work ethic. When home, others forget that this is not the daily routine, and so you're expected to attend all the birthday parties, volunteer, and watch your neighbor's children when necessary. You have limited time with your children so you want your days together to be about play and connection, not laundry and cooking. In other words, you're burning that candle at both ends and you're burnt out.
Your spouse may feel that you get a break from the children at work, but this is about how you feel. You're feeling empty and you're looking for a healthy way to get filled. Guilt is just anger turned inward because you can't do what you want. You have a choice. Depending on finances, you can either find a part-time babysitter during one of your day's off (or switch kids weekly with a neighbor or friend) or you can decide that "Tuesday" night is your night to go spend a couple of hours outside of the house and leave the children home with hubby. Be consistent and leave weekly. This is Mommy's time and you'll be shocked at how rejuvenated you feel when you return. You need to split to get perspective and know how happy you are to have this family to go home to. The other option is to feel bitter and low-energy as you stack the blocks on the carpet or give in to late night nookie. Be clear and ask for HELP!
Dear Colette,
I've been dating my boyfriend for over two years and we're in a dating rut. Every weekend we do the same old thing, and I'm bored. When I share my frustration, he asks what I want to do. I'm tired of always being the one to come up with new ideas. Any suggestions?
Bored with Blockbuster
Dear Bored,
If you think your boyfriend is suddenly going to become a creative weekend planner, he's not. In the majority of relationships I know, it's a rare man that doesn't defer the social calendar to his partner (aside from any sporting event). It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to try something new, he's just clueless. So, you have two choices. Accept that you will be responsible for creating some fun (and hopefully broaden his repertoire) or leave him behind and make plans with your girlfriends.
If you decide to create some fun, prepare a letter for your honey to complete and give back to you. This letter has blanks to fill in or choices to circle. For example, "I plan (Friday, Saturday Sunday) night to take you somewhere new within _____ miles of my apartment. While there we will (kiss, dance, touch) for 5 minutes before (I tell you a story about my grade school, tell you about the time I first laid eyes on you, tell you about somewhere I want to visit)". You get the idea, right? You can make this as simple or elaborate as your desire. You get a fun evening and he is still participating in making it happen. Another idea is to utilize the alphabet each week. For example, the first week he has to come up with something to do that involves the letter "A" -- visit an airport, pretend your leaving, have a big make-out scene and then go to the airport bar and order "A"ppetizers. It sounds goofy, but trying new things is what makes relationships feel new. Then again, you might just want to skip the "B's" (Blockbuster, Beer,) Let me know how it goes.
Dear Colette,
I have an extremely sensitive friend who keeps sending me jokes and other chain letter email that I don't want to receive. In fact, I want to cut back on my computer time but she is making it impossible! What should I do besides keep hitting "delete"?
Frustrated in Cyberspace
Dear Frustrated,
Have you simply asked her to stop? If not, it's important that you communicate your needs clearly and directly. This can still be done with tact and grace. Why don't you email or call her and say, "One of my goals this year is to cut back on the amount of time I spend checking emails and I'd appreciate your help. I always love hearing from you and catching up on your news but I'd prefer not to receive any jokes or chain letters forwarded from others in the future. Thanks for your support." Try it. I'm sure she'll be happy to help.
